The raptors in Jurassic Park were a little scarier, but this one is better at foreplay.

“Hi, Friends!

My name is Tiger. I’m setting off on a world-wide hike because I cheated on my beautiful wife with countless women. You can come too! All you have to do is find me.

I’ve got all I need—golf clubs, condoms and plenty of Ambien!

Wow! What a serach!

Tiger”

via Buzzfeed. (More after the jump.)

Check out his page for more gems.

When it comes to Tiger Woods, the Chinese media knows what’s up. Well, everything except for the minivan.

TeleBrands has really outdone themselves this time. The Potty Putter is a miniature putting set made specifically for use during defecation. As the infomercial so eloquently puts it, “Just aim and shoot…the ball…into the cup.” Combine the Potty Putter with the UroClub, and you’ve got yourself a golf club for every bodily function!

You know you want one, so go ahead and order one right now. (Just remember to wash off the club grip when you’re done.)

(via)

Before you pay for that tie this Father’s Day, answer this question: Can Dad pee in it?

If he can’t, you’re wasting your mulah. Listen, Dad’s not getting any younger, and the older he gets, the more he’ll have to pee every five seconds and the more he’ll appreciate the mind-blowingly dull sport of golf. Show Dad how much you love him by getting him a gift that says, “I understand the changes you’re going through and they’re nothing to be ashamed of.” Get him a golf club he can pee into.

Clearly, the UroClub’s best feature is the little green towel that covers your junk. With that handy rectangular piece of cotton fabric, you go from “degenerate urinating in golf course” to “classy golfer checking out his clubs while standing strangely still.”

Order your UroClub today!

If you’re still not sold on the UroClub (or doubt that it’s real), watch this.

Poor Shawn Johnson. The 17-year-old gold medalist and Dancing with the Stars champion had to be put to sleep today after breaking her leg.

After doctors informed her parents, Doug and Teri Johnson, that she would never be able to compete professionally again, they made the tough decision to put her out of her misery with a quick shot to the back of her head.

The Onion has an exclusive interview with Doug and Teri Johnson.

And by “sings the hell out of,” we mean, “sounds like hell singing.”

Seriously, the woman sucks at acting, sucks at staying married to Charlie Sheen, sucks at dancing with fellow stars, and sucks at having a reality TV show. Where does she get off punishing Cubs fans in this ghastly manner. Those poor folks have had it bad enough, why with not winning a championship in a hundred years and Steve Bartman and all. Give ‘em a break, lady.

Valentine’s Day just passed, and that can only mean one thing: you’re pregnant. Yup, your body will soon be changing, and so will your life. But just because your stomach’s going to be growing uncontrollably doesn’t mean you can’t still keep yourself in tip-top shape.

Here’s a little video to help you get through your pregnancy without gaining those pesky pregger pounds.

All around America, reports of people being assaulted by mobs of angry preschoolers are on the rise. These kids aren’t messing around, either. Some are packing heat, while those who like things a little more stabby carry knives.

That’s why the timing of this video is impeccable. No longer will we have to be weary of adorable, yet vicious three-year-olds lurking around dark corners.

So watch this video, it could be the difference between life and death.