Don’t be jealous, Demetri knows how to play the game.

Do this enough times and you are bound to get chewed up in the escalator bowels and spit back out on the first floor of the mall in front of Hot Topic where every teenager in sight will take pictures of your mangled corpse on their cell phone and tweet about it.

Wow, we can’t think of a better way to start off everyday covered in sick from the mouth down. Make it stop! Make it stop!

We’d much rather pay $10 bucks for a pitcher of beer and a large pizza and watch The Rock-afire Explosion perform Usher tunes than actually go to an Usher concert. Much rather.

Everybody knows there’s some bad blood between Kobe Bryant and his former Lakers teammate, Shaquille O’Neal. Everybody also knows that Shaq is a pretty damn talented rapper—he’s got one more hip-hop album than he does championship rings. So, it’s no surprise that Shaq used his freestlye battle skills the other day to slam Kobe. Kobe, was that taste of a*s consensual?

The southern Russian city of Zheleznovodsk has long been known for it’s squeaky clean colons. In honor of the regions many spas that offer spring mineral water enemas, the Mashuk-Akva Term spa in Zheleznovodsk recently unveiled a monument honoring the proctological procedure. We especially like those little, cherubic ass angels.

The Organic Batter Blaster is the best thing that ever happened to breakfast except for scrapple. Some mornings when we’re really feeling lazy, we just squirt some raw into our mouths on the way out the door. It’s cool, it’s organic.

Edible.com is a culinary e-commerce site that specializes in selling edible insectivore delicacies, indigenous produce, and reindeer paté.

Bored with snacking on the same old pretzels? Try the Giant Toasted Leafcutter Ants. Known for their youth-giving and aphrodisiac qualities, these Columbian harvested critters make the perfect substitute for humdrum snack food ennui.

Take note James Cameron, you don’t need to spend millions to make a sweet movie. Stan Winston, this is for you…

What better way to revive a moth-eaten Teddy Ruxpin than to replace his original computer with a programmable DIY Twitter-ready circuit board?! Once all the steps in this fairly complicated instructional video are complete, Teddy will broadcast every Twitter update in his charming robotic Ruxpin brogue.

Be warned however, this Twittering Teddy is not to be confused with his arch nemesis Grubby, the Plurking Catepillar.